I don't understand why the heck I am sad all the time. Most the time I am depressed. Like tonight is Saturday night and I have texted people in my phone to see if they want to hang out and I got rejected by ever one of them. this exact same thing happened yesterday on Friday night. what the hell is so wrong with me that I don't have friends and cant make them. I try to be a happy person who people could like but it just doesn't happen.
At the same time I don't want to put what my thought are on this blog because Mr. Nelson could be reading what is on my mind.... I'm not sure if that a good thing or bad thing. For all I know he only reads the ones that he thinks is interesting. He doesn't want to read about a kid who is depressed and feels alone. He probably wants to read about happy Indie blogs, at least that's what John Reeder says. I don't know what to do anymore.
I have a 3.8 GPA and freaking 18 on my ACT. like freak!!! John Reeder got a 27 on the ACT and he doesn't seem like he cares about school maybe he does. hes a good kid and probably just hides it but maybe he studied like crazy to get that for all I know. but i got a freaking 18 school and going to college means everything to me to be able to to support my family and future kids and wife. I want to be able to be the dad that mine was never around to be. but I will fail if I cant get into to college.
I watch all these kid inside of the school of lone peak. there is about 2200 students at this school and yet me one of the 2200 feels so alone and an outsider. what am i an Allen. do i have weird creepy antennas sticking out of my head?? do i have green skin. do i have an abnormal head. whats wrong with me? what do I need to do to help myself be better, what do i need to do to make friends. what do i need to do to be the cool kid in school? the kid that everyone loves and talks to and hangs out with.
I come from a family that was taught to hide your feelings that you arent supposed to talk about them that its a bad thing. that your a cry baby. i am the youngest in my family and i have 4 older brothers who teased the crap out of me. when did the phrase " sticks and stones will break my bones but words will never hurt me." get so much fame? that phrase is complete bull! i would rather be beat with rocks and sticks then be attacked by words. words hurt and you can defend your self from the pain.
blahh blahh blahh i bets thats all your thinking if you actually read through this. your probably thinking some people have it worse off so stop feeling bad for your self. well when do i get any simpathy for how much my life sucks and how much i struggle? i understand that people have it worse off then i do, but im actually out telling people saying " HEY SOMETHINGS WRONG" i want someone to vent on and have them help me through my struggles because to them they know i would do the same for them.
AM I A TOURIST....???? PROBABLY BUT HEY I TRIED...
It's not about who's life sucks more, that doesn't even matter. It's how you deal with the struggles you've been given.
ReplyDeleteI've been in a similar place, where you feel like you have absolutely no friends and no cares about you. That's when I realized I was trying to impress the wrong people. I spent those lonely weekends finding who I was working on who I wanted to be. It helped me realize I was going about it all wrong. I hope it gets better for you soon I really do. Just know someone is listening and someone does care.
its ok i have a 3.8 and i got a 15 its alright :)
ReplyDeleteand also god has a plan for you its alright everything will be fine i have went through many of the same things like the friend situation. its ok bro :)
ReplyDeleteSee what your saying I understand your opinion. But I'm venting. I don't talk to people about this crap because I don't feel like it. I'm just writing.
ReplyDeleteSo sorry for venting and releasing the stress because I don't have ppl to talk to.
ReplyDeletehey im here for you...............................
ReplyDeleteSooooo I know this is like a month after you posted this but I've been trying to put off an essay as long as I can and I'm all like, "Hey, I haven't read the Understanding Man's blog in a while" so here I am.
ReplyDeleteFirst: I think it's awesome that you have writing to turn your frustration into art. You're not a tourist.
Second: I'm a hypocrite for saying this but college is for posers. I think it's way admirable to want to be able to support your future family and I'm POSITIVE you will be able to get into college (The ACT's messed up anyway, dude) but lots of people were successful without going to college. Steve Jobs, James Cameron, Ghandi.
So yeah, now I'm the one ranting. But I hope that you can eventually move yourself to a better mind set. Good luck, may the force be with you! Love your blog!
Thank you T.F. and W. sorry it took me so long to reply on my blog.
ReplyDeleteThanks Ann, that means alot to hear that someone actually like my blog... its kind of weird thinking that I have interested someone enough to want to read my thoughts. Part of me wishes that i knew who you were and maybe i do and maybe you know who i actually am. well i guess it wouldnt be hard with some of the dots i have connected for people, but hey its what ever. like i was saying it would be nice to know who you are.... but at the same time i cant decide if that would be better... theres something about having something like a hiden identiy...?